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Old 25th September 2017, 01:26 AM   #411838  /  #251
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy
Grandpa is out wandering around the garden one day and notices his grandson playing nearby. He wanders over to see what's so fascinating. The little boy is trying, with all the diligence of youth, to put a worm back in its hole. The nature of worms being what they are, it is going everywhere but. Grandpa tells the boy that if he can get that worm back in its hole, he'll get $5. The boy hops up and runs into the house.

He returns a moment later with a can of his sister's hairspray. He stretches the worm out, sprays it down, and voila! Right back into the hole.

Grandpa says "Well I'll be!" Fishes in his pocket, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the boy. "Hey, thanks, grandpa!" Grandpa wanders off.

A bit later, the old man wanders back out to the garden. The boy is still out there playing. Grandpa walks over, fishes a $10 bill out of his pocket and hands it to the boy.

Confused, the boy says, "But grandad, you already gave me my $5."

Grandpa smiles and says, "That is from your grandmother."
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Old 25th September 2017, 04:01 PM   #411882  /  #252
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Oh man
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Old 25th September 2017, 04:02 PM   #411883  /  #253
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Wait can we get a ?
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Old 27th September 2017, 01:38 AM   #411952  /  #254
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy
Of course, it would be an honor.

First of all you have to accept that the joke is set in a fictional universe, a bit like a cartoon. Most of the laws of nature that you obey do work normally, but there's always a bit or wriggle room. This is a fairly common occurrence in the world of jokes.

Another thing jokes do is to make you think one thing, then suddenly surprise you delightfully by making you realize you went down the wrong path. The joke teller was, as we say in mafia, controlling the narrative. Part of you wanted to think it was about a willy quite early on in the story but no, kids playing in the garden, there's even a sister godammit how could you be such a perv.

But there it is, at the back of your mind, like a lucky sperm in ya bawbag, wriggling away.

tldr: the old man, possibly with the help of the old woman, stretched out his penis and sprayed it with his grandaughter's hairspray to such an extent that it somehow became serviceable. The old woman loved it.
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Old 27th September 2017, 03:00 AM   #411962  /  #255
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Thanks gib

Unrelatedly, do you by any chance know any good strong hair spray?
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Old 27th September 2017, 10:13 AM   #411978  /  #256
Jerome
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Pleasant Living
Quote:
Originally Posted by Facetious View Post
You know those letters come after C in the alphabet, right?

Where did Noah keep his bees?

Spoiler
in the archives
Insects were not taken...
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:34 AM   #413299  /  #257
nostrum
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My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:36 AM   #413300  /  #258
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:38 AM   #413301  /  #259
nostrum
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
Spoiler
That's just how I roll.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:38 AM   #413302  /  #260
nostrum
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If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:40 AM   #413303  /  #261
nostrum
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What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Spoiler
udder destruction
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:42 AM   #413304  /  #262
nostrum
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 01:24 PM   #413306  /  #263
Brother Daniel
bad case of gleeks
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: a peninsula in the North Atlantic
c-c-c-combo!
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Jiffy: Canadians are considered an invasive pest on New York roads and interstates
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Old 3rd November 2017, 04:07 PM   #413307  /  #264
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Quote:
Originally Posted by nostrum View Post
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
Spoiler
That's just how I roll.
Tbf you should roll with your knees squared with your shoulders and roll over one shoulder blade. It's safer and easier to get up that way.
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pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:31 PM   #413314  /  #265
Prince Humperdinck
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: 'Murica


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Old 3rd November 2017, 08:38 PM   #413316  /  #266
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Knew I could count on someone to post the roll
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pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
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Old 3rd November 2017, 11:21 PM   #413324  /  #267
Timewave
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: IN MY HEAD (MOSTLY)
I'm just rolling through the posts.
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Old 4th November 2017, 03:55 AM   #413340  /  #268
Zeluvia
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Evil Duckess


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Old 4th November 2017, 04:24 AM   #413345  /  #269
borealis
poikilothermic
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Canada
That reminds me...

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
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Old 4th November 2017, 04:34 AM   #413346  /  #270
Brother Daniel
bad case of gleeks
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: a peninsula in the North Atlantic
Larry LaPrise, who (allegedly?) wrote The Hokey Pokey, died in 1996.

It was very sad.

Spoiler
When it came time to put him in the coffin...
Spoiler
...they put his left foot in...
Spoiler
...and that's when the trouble started.
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Jiffy: Canadians are considered an invasive pest on New York roads and interstates
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Old 4th November 2017, 04:41 AM   #413347  /  #271
borealis
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Canada
Dyin'

True story. I play guitar for the Anglican Women's Christmas party every year. They have a tradition of dancing the hokey pokey just before everyone goes home.

I am telling them that sad joke this year.
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Old 4th November 2017, 06:36 PM   #413359  /  #272
Carlsson
kitchen sink garbage disposal
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Sweden
Quote:
Originally Posted by borealis View Post
Dyin'

True story. I play guitar for the Anglican Women's Christmas party every year. They have a tradition of dancing the hokey pokey just before everyone goes home.

I am telling them that sad joke this year.
"true story" seems redundant, we know how boring you are
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Old 4th November 2017, 09:21 PM   #413364  /  #273
borealis
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Canada
Oh come on - you're Swedish.
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Old 4th November 2017, 09:41 PM   #413367  /  #274
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Sweden
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Old 31st December 2017, 08:57 AM   #416402  /  #275
nostrum
too boring to be considered weird
 
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doctor: I'm afraid you have a rare disease called onomatopoeia
patient: is it serious?

doctor:
Spoiler
it's just as bad as it sounds
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