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Old 6th June 2016, 12:02 AM   #329514  /  #126
Requiem
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Behind the couch.
can't be bothered to go looking for the drummer smiley, consider it posted.
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req can be pretty smooth.
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Old 6th June 2016, 12:40 AM   #329525  /  #127
OmicronPersei8
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Gib's
Finally, something goddamned funny was said.
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Old 6th June 2016, 12:47 AM   #329527  /  #128
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy
not on my watch
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Old 6th June 2016, 11:53 AM   #329570  /  #129
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy
20 best jokes by british comedians, or something

1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book


2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)


3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010


4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book


5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)


6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show


7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)


8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015


9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)


10. “A cement mixer has *collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection (DVD)


11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014


12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011


13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show


14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006


15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010


16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)


17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show


18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)


19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book


20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe
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Old 6th June 2016, 12:45 PM   #329575  /  #130
borealis
poikilothermic
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Canada
Quote:
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)
fave.
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Old 6th June 2016, 12:48 PM   #329577  /  #131
Requiem
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Behind the couch.
I love that Milton line.

eta: #17
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req can be pretty smooth.
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Old 6th June 2016, 01:01 PM   #329579  /  #132
nostrum
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#20 for me
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Old 6th June 2016, 01:29 PM   #329581  /  #133
Dionysus
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I'm having #1. But you have to know Les and his face.
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Old 6th June 2016, 01:36 PM   #329582  /  #134
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy
#10 for me
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Old 6th June 2016, 02:19 PM   #329592  /  #135
MSG
Ol' Zipperlaig
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Nøyfb
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem View Post
I love that Milton line.

eta: #17
He is the best
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Old 6th June 2016, 05:49 PM   #329610  /  #136
Majiffy
I'll have you know I'm popular on many web forums
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
My favorite was #5

#11 was good too.

Also #1


But definitely #5
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Old 6th June 2016, 08:36 PM   #329619  /  #137
OmicronPersei8
Declared candidate for Best Poster 2017 of the fuckin decade
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Gib's
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Old 6th June 2016, 10:11 PM   #329627  /  #138
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
I think the brightest and best jokes should stay...

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ʘᴥʘ
pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
Vivere diu rebellionus!

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Old 6th June 2016, 10:36 PM   #329629  /  #139
MSG
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Nøyfb
Sean Lock is just about right as a comedian for Majiffy
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Old 6th June 2016, 10:52 PM   #329630  /  #140
Majiffy
I'll have you know I'm popular on many web forums
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
I'll check him out tonight if I have time.
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pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
Vivere diu rebellionus!

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Old 6th June 2016, 11:32 PM   #329632  /  #141
borealis
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Canada
C'mon, never read pop-up book about giraffes is funny.
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Old 7th June 2016, 12:09 AM   #329634  /  #142
gib
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: the thin one out of Laurel & Hardy


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Old 7th June 2016, 12:16 AM   #329635  /  #143
Majiffy
I'll have you know I'm popular on many web forums
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Oh man that's definitely the ticket

I think I like Stewart Lee more, but I just laughed pretty well at that one.
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Old 7th June 2016, 12:25 AM   #329638  /  #144
Majiffy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY



"Nobody wanks me off!"

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Old 7th June 2016, 12:45 AM   #329641  /  #145
Requiem
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Behind the couch.
Majiffy is more Mliton Jones though, not in humour necessarily, just in general.





eta: 5:13
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Originally Posted by borealis View Post
req can be pretty smooth.

Last edited by Requiem; 7th June 2016 at 12:50 AM.
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Old 7th June 2016, 01:04 AM   #329644  /  #146
Majiffy
I'll have you know I'm popular on many web forums
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem View Post
Majiffy is more Mliton Jones though, not in humour necessarily, just in general.

eta: 5:13
Reminds me of Robin Williams in his delivery.

eta:
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Herpy derpy jerfy!


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pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
Vivere diu rebellionus!

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Old 7th June 2016, 10:34 AM   #329668  /  #147
MSG
Ol' Zipperlaig
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Nøyfb
Quote:
Originally Posted by MSG View Post
Sean Lock is just about right as a comedian for Majiffy
actually not Sean Lock, I meant Sean Hughes



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Old 7th June 2016, 10:57 AM   #329669  /  #148
Magicziggy
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Loadsamoney
#15 and whatever # Tommy Cooper was.
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Old 7th June 2016, 02:58 PM   #329689  /  #149
Brother Daniel
bad case of gleeks
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: a peninsula in the North Atlantic
Yeah I like #15.
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Jiffy: Canadians are considered an invasive pest on New York roads and interstates
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Old 7th June 2016, 04:03 PM   #329694  /  #150
Majiffy
I'll have you know I'm popular on many web forums
 
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Read my posts with the following stupid accent: Buffalo, NY
Same
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pledged my daily allegiance to Satan and pear-shaped air hockey turntable earth
Vivere diu rebellionus!

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